Please dont break it no more, A Broken Heart heals slowly

Have you ever feel a broken heart so deep that you always remember

Do you feel that it rips you until you feel so hurt inside
Do you feel that you have to keep it so that no one knows that it still hurt
Do you feel that sometimes the cry is still there when something reminds you of it
Do you feel that its unfair that it happens on you
…

Do you feel that A broken heart heals so slowly .. that you still can feel the hurts although when iit recovers
Do you feel the trauma to move on…

However…
Life still needs you to go on..
try to find some way to glue the heart from pieces
Although it wont recover as new as before
and..it still ready to move on

BUt,
when it breaks again..
it would crack worse than ever
would not be easy to recover…

Then…
Please, do not break it again in any way…
if so.. it could not be a whole as one..
and do not know whether it can heals once more …

Jangan memilih aku, bila ….

Terenggut hatiku,terpanah asmara
Sedih suka sirna sudah
Bila kau menjadi milikku
Memang lukaku belum sembuh semua
Juga dukaku belum sirna semua

Jangan memilih aku
bila kau tak sanggup setia
Kau tak mengerti aku
diriku yang pernah terluka

Jangan memilih aku
bila kau tak sanggup setia
Kau tak mengerti aku
diriku yang pernah terluka
Cinta..

Teringat ama syair ini.. kayak pengalaman pribadi…. tapi sepertinya itu cocok buat ngomong ke pilihan terakhir.. kalo memang serius ama aku… jangan membuatku terluka..
karna luka yang lama belon saja tertutup.. dan sepertinya aku juga nga sanggup untuk terluka yang beberapa kali lagi…

Yang aku heran kadang kadang, kenapa kita nga bisa menaruh perasaan ke orang yang sayang ke kita…. tapi.. orang yang kita percayakan perasaan kita malah maen2 dengan perasaan… atau aku selalu salah dalam mencintai orang… hm i guess thats the truth

Sekarang liat aja semua lagu2 .. kayaknya semua pada nyentil kehidupan semua…
Lagu2 sedihnya agnes contohnya… “aku sangat mengenalmu, dulu kau tak begitu… ..” sama banget kayak perasaan aku.. jadi setiap denger2 lagu kayak begitu.. adanya sedih .. bukan marah.. aneh…

Yach.. semoga yang terakhir, mampu menyatukan pecahan pecahan ini…karna pecahan hati ini nga akan mampu menerima tekanan yang meluluh lantakkan pecahan hati ini..

Lucky Im in love with my best friend…

Sejenak beranjak dari lagunya Jason Miraz, Lucky … syair yang banget banget bagus… setelah itu mulai merenung… apa memang enak yach dari best friend become a lover..
Kalo emang nyantol terus sich enak, tapi kalo setelah itu timbul ketidak cocokan,.. jadi hilang best friend kita satu, bener ngak sich

I remember, i have a good friend… who always be with me, in happiness and sadness, sempet aku ngrasa ‘in love’ .. tapi nga tau karna benernya susah ngebedain nya sama ‘just Crush”. Makin terpikir, makin suka jadi best friend nya indeed…. lebih bebas, lebih tanpa batas, lebih santai ungkapin apa yang ada di kepala.

Jadi.. apa bener lucky kalo in love with my best friend.. i dnt think so… better get someone else to be in love.. or being a lover and a best friend to someone at the same time, its better…

LOving him inside

Have you ever feel something inside that you cannot share
Have you ever feel in love with your friend
do you know how it feels when you see someone near
do you know how it breaks when he said that he likes someone else
do you know how it crushed to see he loves her so much..

Can you feel how i feel
can you tell me how to keep it secretly all the time

Why it keeps getting me .. all the time..
it hurts..

but …. i should keep it secretly.. till the end

Between LOVE and GUILTY …

For some of you, perhaps the topic already guide you the imaginary to where the story will tell..

This story was inspire with my conversation with some people about an affair. Seems that affair has few perspectives.. some of them perhaps just a doodlebug.., but some others will include it with feelings

Why it happen? there are lots of reasons why an affair has begun..it might be started with the unhappy marriage, or just for fun, or the affair partners is a caring person to talk with.

But as I know, if the reason can be narrowed down to.. its because … someone is bored with his/her personal life in her/his marriage life..

Why they bored?? usually because the partner already forget, that people need something new, fresh and different.
For house-wife, they usually forget to put make up, dress up instead use a very old baby doll… or use parfum or so… while their partner always looking at a fresh, beautiful girl. For a working man, they forget to say i love you, or kiss in the check or asking their partner’s day.. when he got home//.. He just straight to the bedroom and sleep..

Then, whose fault is it?? i think its both..

For the person who finds love while he/she already has lifetime partners… hm.. i have no comment on this.. the question that pop up my mind was only….’then what makes them get married?’

For the person who is just for fun.. i try to analyst what will they feel.. to have one love and one lust in the other hand.. or perhaps the play will make their adrenalin goes faster?

Then how to deal with those feelings … i havent had chance to analyst it.. do you have any idea to share?

Roller coster of love…

have you been riding a roller coaster? very exciting rite..

When the ride is starting.. we tend to think happily as the ride climbs up,.. looking far away, seeing everything from up there….

If it comparable, love is like a roller coaster,…… when you fall in love…everything looks extraordinary, happy, ..exciting…. and willingly to find the next step

however, we have to be ready for the falling down part… when love comes to end…, we face the broken heart.. the tears, .. the time seems to be paused .. cannot sleep, cannot think.. Ah…

If you try for the first time, it would be exited… but when you tried that for few times.. you will be sick of that….

agree?????

Life is too short to waste

The world has been shocked by the news of Michael Jackson’s mysterious death.. They tried to understand and find out what the cause of his death.. interviewing his doctors, try to find out from his track record of surgery and predict that it might be the cause of death and so on…

In the crowd I try to understand people… why they care so much about someone’s life and in the same time they try to forget their’s // Funny huh…?

I had one conversation with a friend about this, when he asked me how pity that Mike was died, i answered that people died.. and yes .. noone will live forever rite??, but we are the one who was left behind.. is still living…
so..what i suggest is …. think about yourself and move on..

then he said to me.. love also similar with life and death…
when the love leave you , then you have to stop thinking and let yourself move on..
hm, i’ve been HIT by my own words…

Then i know… as long you didnt get attached with any of those.. love and life problem.. u are easily to move on.. but when you got involve with one of those.. it would be hard to move on before you can fix your heart and your problem….

My suggestion is … BE Still.. and let your GOD take your burden away.. then you will feel free to move on..
to let God take it, is.. depend on you, whether you want to give it . or not… God would never push you to let go…

My amazing dad.. I love him so much

Sometimes, a child would be close with one of his/her parents, for me.. My DAD is my idol.. although sometimes, i just hate being in his cage, but beside that… i adore and love him so much.

I remembered that my mom always tells everything about him. My dad is one of the fourth children in a broken home, my granny was just a housewife who struggled to feed her family without any husband around. My dad helps her, and also fight to have a better education. He came to Surabaya, being a teacher when he was in a college, and had another job at night just to save some money to live.

Took some sarcastic face and words from other people because he is poor. He is also different within friends with the same occupation. He never take anyone’s money just for some consultation. For me, he is my hero

When we were kids, i remembered, he picked me up after school, although he had to wait in his car if i had not come out yet… While now, i felt so annoyed to pick someone’s up and have to wait..

When i had a bad mark in my test, i used to asked his signature instead so i wouldnt have to hear my mom yelled at me or hit me because of that, he just asked me to study harder..

When i hated him for not giving me what i wanted, i was putting some face on.. while now, i might get so angry if my niece gave her parents that same look.

When i asked him for going overseas or study in the international institution, he just agreed and prepared the money for me, while now perhaps i might be counting how much to give to my parents and for myself

When i fought my sister and ask for separate room, he just built me another room, and now it was empty when my sister got married, .. un-used.

I remembered when i was a kid, i used to massage him with walking thru his body.. to ease his tired. I like to sleep in his bed, and being carried to my own bed (sometimes i just pretending because i want to be carried.

I remembered that he didnt got mad like my mom when i was caught drunk.. he just came to my room the day after and talk heart to heart, seems that he understood what was deep in my heart instead of what i was doing to cover it.

When i had out-town work , he never let me to use any cab, he himself would take me down the airport.. while when he’s gone out-town, he never want me to take him to the airport.

At night, he never ask me to drive him, in other hand, he just drive it himself even he had trouble seeing at night. but he never complain.

I remembered that he sound so proud explaining each by each his children.. what they do and what they graduate in…

I remembered that he couldnt express his feeling, but i knew that he missed me so much, at the time i came back.. and when i flew back to aussie.. he looked sad.. but he just keep silent..

dad, .. so much that you did to us, but we still has not have any chance to reply it to you, it just deep and deep from my heart.. i still and always love you.. I want to be like you when i have a child.

But dad, when i look at you now.. what has happen to you? you looked so skinny, so old.. and your face look so pale.. oh dad..

Dad, im sorry for all that i have done that hurt you so much.. im sorry.. i knew that you prepared my engagement without i know it.. and im sure you were hurt.. while he was gone,..and the engagement you dream was canceled .. dad im sorry.., i dont want to hurt you anymore…..

once again, dad.. I love you.. and this journal is for you…..

I let my gold away..

I just have this topic after I got a story on my Facebook. It was about a King that spread his gold all over his area, and let his people to get it. He said he has given all his 24K and fake gold in those area. The rule is that people cannot change the gold that they already picked, but for those who has less than 1K, will be given the real gold after they work for the King. Lots of people try very hard & smart to find the 24K gold, but not for the poor man. He just picked one, because he cannot distinguished whether it is gold or not, but he believe that in any way, his gold would be changed into real one after he works in King’s palace.

The meaning of those story is.. we cannot choose who will be perfect for our partner, noone is perfect. But the important thing is to understand each other, to love each other,and to sacrifice on each other ego with who we have chosen.

That story reminded with someone who i loved before and loved me very much. i was in college and had a very high ego, while he already worked. We fight so much, but i remembered that he was the one who always apologized, but i always though that he wasn’t man enough to do so.. He could not say no for what ever i want to do or to have.
He went back and forward each week from jakarta to surabaya just for me, even it cost him a lot for a regular employee, just because i asked him to do so otherwise i asked for breaking up.

But, i was so young and I ask him for let me go, while i continue my study overseas. I knew he was hurt, because in his letter, he said that i should not write him again, ever.. then we stopped writing for about 1,5 years. When i came back, I didnt give any info to him, until he knew it when i put my name and address to the local newspaper for responding some complain to my company.

He called many times to my office and my home, until i had to lie to him and said that i had another boyfriend. He said he also had a girlfriend, but he wanted to see me. I asked him not too.. because we didn’t have any relationship. He stopped calling after that.

Years passed by, and.. life goes on.. but when i looked back, i still find him as a good man.. and a good boyfriend.. I feel that i have given my gold away… and now, i wait for my other gold that has been missing…

I met an Archangel.. and fall in love with him

It was just last year, when i had a terrible situation… being left out by someone I love, and at the same time .. also being left out by friends that connect me to him..I was so lost… dont know what to do.. try to find him everywhere.. everytime.. I cannot think clearly.. in my mind, i was just trying to understand and trying to find him…oh.. my life was so miserable … hurt, terribly sad, cannot work properly…. hm. i couldn’t describe it into words…. but i was on the deep sadness …….. i weep so much that i cannot breath and i screamed silently… it was soo horrible.. i fell that i have no night without crying..

Since i’m a catholic.. i did lots lots and lots of prayers.. ask Jesus to find him.. novena, rosary, church.. every way to find him.. if i should jump , i would do.. because i love him so much..

Then, one day .. in my sleep… i dreamed… that some one.. male.. with shiny curly blond hair… in white long dress.. he was shinning….a very bright light so that you couldn’t even see his face..
at that time, he was just looked at me.. and silent…

Beside him, i saw one child cowered near him.. very sad.. i thought he was crying.. and suddenly he turned .. and walked to the child.. and hugged him from behind…peacefully…

I was awake in the morning but i could not forgot what i have dreamed of ,.. so at the office.. i browse pictures under angel.. but i saw …. lots of porn there 🙂 named angel.. (hm.. that surely not what i saw ) .. then i search under name of archangel… ..after pages and pages.. then one picture made me freeze…… it was shown what ive seen.. in my dream.. short hair, curly.. and peaceful face… and when i looked his name.. it says…RAPHAEL….

at first i dont know much about Raphael. i read his story… . and found out that Raphael is the angel of love, travel and sickness..
on the second time, i froze.. LOVE??? …. that was the situation i was dealing with.. that day….. i lost my love… love made me lost my soul…… then i understand what my dream meant to me…Raphael wanted to say .. that he was there for me.. .. beside me.. comforting me… and always be there..

it took time for me, to release me from my sadness… but i know and believe.. . he will find me LOVE as he did before..

I still pray to him, till now.. oh Raphael,.. i love you…my archangel